Choose Your Poison
by JeanThine
Summary: Mayuri is being indicted at soul society? Whatever for? THERE! I made you an extra chapter! Are you happy now!
1. The Story

Choose Your Poison

**Disclaimer:** Ahem… I don't own bleach.

"Kurotsuchi Mayuri, you stand accused of breaching the peace, inflicting grievous damage on several Shinigami including a number of seated officers. How do you plead?"

"Your honour…" Mayuri looked at the judge, Yamamoto soutaicho. He looked at the jury. Several Shinigami. He reasoned that he couldn't bribe the judge and intimidating the jury by activating his Ban Kai was going to get him in more trouble. He reviewed his situation. He was doomed. So he looked to a more helpful period. He looked to the chain of events that put him before this court.

Ten days ago, Mayuri had been peacefully testing some subject that would for some reason or other not stop screaming. He tried cutting the vocal cords. He was a little tired so of course he mistook the screaming for a defence mechanism of the test subject. Then he realised the screaming was his fukutaicho, his daughter. He burst into the room to find Matsumoto Rangiku holding his daughters arms, grinning maliciously. "What is the meaning of this?" he almost said before Kyoraku Shunsui and Ukitake Jyuushiro grabbed onto his arms. This time he really did say "What is the meaning of this?" the less shaven of the pair responded that they were having a party and needed a clown to entertain them. Mayuri said some very strong words as the pair dragged him away.

At the bar Mayuri sighed. He'd already told the drunken fukutaicho of the 10th division that no he would not be taking off his mask thank you very much for the 12th time! She was doing it every five minutes now! He thought that maybe her constant drinking was causing her brain cells to decay at a rate that prevented her from remembering that he… "No damnit! I will not be taking the bloody mask off!!!" where was he?

"Mayu-chan!" the very drunken Shunsui called in a sing-song voice "You look like you're thinking! That isn't allowed here!"

"How can I not think you incessant fool?!" Yelled back an angry Mayuri

"Not thinking is what drinking is all about!" replied the taicho who then burst into a rousing song on the topic.

Back in the courtroom Mayuri thought that all through that period he really hadn't been in control of the events. He was being dragged or talked to or something that wasn't his fault. As he thought about the next part he realised what had gone wrong was when he started talking with Ashisogi Jizou. Damn sword knew exactly what would happen, planned it all along. The two hadn't worked well since the whole 'you got your ass handed to you by some punk ass Quincy' argument.

He and his sword had quietly calculated the dosages necessary and moved efficiently. He was almost caught when a very, very drunken Soi Fong had leaned up real close to his face and said "I bet you're real ugly-like under that mask" The conversation had continued for another unbearable minute before Mayuri had broken free from the girl who was now trying to convince the bar-tender to have a threesome with her and "the chick in the mask". It took another five minutes of patient waiting before Matsumoto came up and asked if he was going to take his mask off. Only she didn't get past the mask part. She started to look very green indeed. As were a number of other Shinigami. After the vomiting started Mayuri and his Zanpaktou agreed to try something less, excretive next time.

Well Mayuri thought. That covered the grievous harm charges. But were did he get breach of the peace from? Ah yes it was Komamura. See the fox had been out with the others, in a similar situation to Mayuri, actually. And when everyone started being sick, Komamura had realised who was at the source, and tried to "destroy the traitor" by activating Ban Kai. Of course once he himself collapsed and began wretching, so did his Ban Kai. An unpleasant situation for all the houses that were crushed… and there occupants. In a supreme form of irony, a 12th division lab was crushed. Plus some worthless subordinates.

So standing in the courtroom how did he plead? It didn't really matter, every Shinigami in Seireitei thought he was guilty of some crime against nature every time they saw him walk down the street, so he wasn't getting out of this with his plea. For the hell of it he said "Guilty"

At the end Yamamoto soutaicho handed down his verdict. Kurotsuchi was to pay the ultimate price, he would have to remove his mask in front of all of Soul Society. Something was muttered about cruel and unusual punishment, but no one really cared.


	2. Bonus Chapter

Choose Your Poison

Choose Your Poison

Bonus Chapter: The Punishment

A/N: Ladies, Gentlemen, by large and obnoxious public demand, here is the next and I would like to think FINAL chapter. I have other good stories you know?

-Jean Thine

The scene was set perfectly. Well, no, because 'perfectly' implies a degree of normality, sadly lacking from the current situation. A mad scientist complete with clown mask, put in the stocks, an anticipant crowd of Shinigami, a midget captain of the second division and divine executioner of the central 46. Normality not included.

The punishment as laid down by Yamamoto-soutaicho was perhaps the harshest in living memory. But no one had bothered to check the records on that and Shinigami have a very short attention span. So, say what you will, nobody was quite sure. Kurotsuchi Mayuri, captain of the twelfth division and second president of the Shinigami Research institute was to be publicly de-masked. If you think about it, it isn't really a punishment as a practical joke, but due to their short attention spans, most Shinigami had forgotten what his charges were, that he had been trailed and not just locked up on the spur of the moment, and even what everyone was doing looking at a creepy clown.

Before somebody important forgot what was going on, Soi Fong decided to commence with the execution… of the plan… to de-mask clown-face. She looked to Yamamoto for confirmation but he was already partially asleep. She took it as a good sign. She reached above Mayuri's head to grasp the mask, paused for dramatic effect, then got bored of the drama and just ripped it off.

There were gasps. Well some. I mean, he was really just a little less weird looking than normal. A woman somewhere shrieked and fainted, just because it was felt it needed to be done. The tenth division lieutenant was later recovered with a killer headache and a good case of freeze-burn in the hindquarters. When asked the answer was "foreplay".

Abarai Renji didn't seem to see what was so weird. He loudly voiced that he looked just like anyone else. The short woman next to him took the moment to shriek out "What d'ya mean normal! The colours are all wrong!"

"They look fine to me"

"Oh my God Abarai-kun are you colour blind?" Interjected classmate Hinamori Momo

"I am not!" was the firm yet, unconvincing reply

"Really? Then what colour is your hair?" Added Kira Izuru to the mess.

"What do you mean, it's brown isn't it?" Renji stuttered a little fearfully.

"Oh my God, Renji. It's bright…" Rukia

"…flaming…" Momo

"…red." Izuru

Renji's sudden breakdown and subsequent hysteria were the highlight of the afternoon. Until everyone forgot what happened that afternoon. Memory of a goldfish, your average Shinigami. Abarai himself was last seen running off towards his quarters shouting out "Why didn't anyone tell me!"

"Did you know he was colour blind and thought his hair wasn't red, Nii-sama?" Rukia questioned her older brother, looking after her departed ranga friend.

"Who do think told him it was brown?"

All in all, everyone was far too busy to notice Mayuri only spent about three seconds with his mask off before Nemu merely came up and released him, helped him gather his dignity and quietly leave. By this stage Renji was causing enough noise to let them make good their escape. Of course everyone was absolutely indifferent to their leaving, you would think they'd been drugged.


End file.
